To Catch A Hawk
by Blood Red Knife
Summary: When Hawk plans to confess his love to Merrill and then have his merry way with her. They get interrupted by a guy named Chris. Let's just say that there is no escape for perverts in any world or age.


To Catch A Hawk

I do not own Dragon Age it belongs to Bioware and EA

Warning the following story contains really messed up humor anyone under the age of 18 should turn away right now!

One nice peaceful day Hawk was going to visit Merrill. He had planned this visit for quite some time now. Hawk thought that Merrill was a beautiful female elf and her innocence had ensnared him. Hawk knew that Merrill loved him and he was going to make her his and his alone. Today he was going to deflower her and claim her innocence for himself. Hawk walked into Merrill's home and she warmly greeted him and said, "Oh Hawk you should have told me you were coming, I would have cleaned up the place."

"You never clean up Merrill."

"Opps you're right, sorry about that."

"No it's fine, I know it sounds odd but that's one of the things I like about you. My mother cleans the mansion so much that she leaves the servants hardly any work."

Merrill started making some tea while saying, "I'm glad that you're here Hawk, there's something we really need to talk about."

"What is it Merrill?"

Merrill heisted a bit before twiddling her thumbs together and saying, "Did you write that letter I received the other day?"

"I think you have known me long enough to know my hand writing by now. Tell me though did you like the letter I sent you?"

"Well there were some things in it that I did not quite understand, but I guess it was a nice love letter. It was a love letter right?"

Hawk gently put his hands on Merrill's shoulders and replied, "Yes it was Merrill. For the longest time my feelings for you have been storming in my heart like a savage beast. I had to write them down and let you know I how I feel about you."

"That's very nice Hawk I just think you wrote some odd stuff."

"What do you mean by odd?"

"Ah, never mind I just think that you really like going into detail yeah."

"You know me Merrill I always speak the truth and say it like it is."

"That's true Hawk, but I just think that ….you know never mind I'm just really glad you love me."

"Do you love me Merrill?"

"I've always loved you Hawk."

Merrill and Hawk then embraced and when their hugged ended Hawk and Merrill leaned in closer to one another so they could kiss. Before their lips could touch though, the door to  
Merrill's house was busted down by a man with blond hair and very shiny armor. Hawk and  
Merrill stared at the man in shock and Hawk said, "Who in Maker's name are you?"

The man fixed his hair and quickly replied, "Hello Hawk I am Chris Hammer, from the sex crimes division of the Kirkwall City guard and I am here to stop you from having your sick way with an underage elf girl."  
"What I came here with no such intentions."

"Your letter says otherwise."

Chris Hammer then whipped out the letter Hawk wrote from his pants and began to read it. Hawk quickly said, "Merrill how did he get the letter?"

"I'm sorry Hawk I had to give it to him."

"Can you two be quite I'm reading. Dear Merrill I have for the longest time desired to **** you, because you are the hottest **** in these whole **** city and I love you my little **** kitten. I am going to come over soon the first thing I am going to do is **** all over you **** then I am going to stick my **** in your **** and ride you for hours until you **** just explodes and you  
become my love slave forever! Then next week…oh Maker's breath let me just skip all of that….. Love Hawk"

As soon as Chris was done reading Hawk's letter Hawk said, "Come on man she's an elf."

"She's just 15 you sick, sick man. I couldn't even read the part of your letter when you said you wanted to have a five way with her, your sister, dead brother and a donkey! I mean how messed up can you possibly be!"

"Oh you don't know the half of. So how much trouble I'm I in?"

"By the laws of this city all perverts must be castrated and you my good ser are a totally pervert!"

"NO I WILL NOT LET YOU CUT OFF MY MIGHTY MAN JEWELS!"

Hawk screamed in rage and attacked Chris Hammer, but Chris Hammer just kicked him in the balls and made Hawk fall to the ground like a bag of bricks. Chris drew his knife and yelled, "That's it I'm cutting your balls off right here right now!"

Merrill put herself between Chris and Hawk and begged, "No don't hurt him please, he may be a pervert, but I do love him. I know I will use blood magic to make myself older that will fix everything!"

Merrill quickly took Chris's knife from his hand and did blood magic and instead of making herself older, she blew up Kirkwall and killed everyone, the good news was that now that Hawk and all his friends were dead they would never have to walk in the city's boring streets or boring caves, "which all looked the same by the way", ever again. Yeah!

The End


End file.
